Presence Over Perfection: Working With Perfectionism in Psychotherapy

A new year is beginning, and before saying anything else, I want to start here.

Thank you for being part of this space. Whether we work together in therapy, know each other personally, or are meeting for the first time through these words, your presence matters to me.

As a psychotherapist in Toronto, I often notice that moments of transition, like the start of a new year, can quietly activate perfectionism. The urge to begin well, to say the right thing, to do it properly.

That’s where this reflection begins.

Sitting With the First Words

I’ve been sitting with this first piece of writing longer than I expected.

Not because I didn’t have ideas, I had too many. Every time I began, I stopped and thought, “Nope. That’s not it.” I wanted these first words of the year to set a tone, but not in a rigid way. Something intentional, yet still flexible. Grounded, yet open to spontaneity and surprise.

Eventually, I realized this wasn’t a writing problem.

This was my old friend, perfectionism, showing up right on time.

What Perfectionism Actually Is (and Isn’t)

As Brené Brown describes in Atlas of the Heart, perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system fueled by this thought:

If I look perfect, live perfectly, work perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.

Perfectionism isn’t about excellence.
It’s about fear of not being enough.

In my psychotherapy practice in Toronto, I often see how perfectionism disguises itself as care, responsibility, or having “high standards.” Underneath, though, it’s usually about wanting to be respected, liked, and taken seriously and fearing what might happen if we fall short.

If it’s not good enough, people will drift away.
If it’s not sharp enough, people will think less of me.

Choosing Presence Over Perfection

I’ve been here before. And instead of trying to write past this moment, I chose to write from it.

So this is how I’m beginning the year.
Not with a big declaration, but with honesty.
Not with something polished, but something real.

This feels important especially in a culture that often rewards performance over presence.

If perfectionism says, “Be flawless to avoid shame,” the antidote might be: “Stay present and connected, even when shame shows up.”

This is the invitation I want to hold for the year ahead: Permission to begin imperfectly  and stay connected anyway.

How Psychotherapy Can Help With Perfectionism and Shame

Many people who seek psychotherapy for perfectionism don’t initially name it that way. They come in feeling exhausted, anxious, self-critical, or stuck. Over time, patterns emerge; fear of getting it wrong, difficulty resting, harsh inner dialogue, or a sense that nothing ever feels “enough.”

Psychotherapy offers a space to gently notice these patterns, understand where they come from, and relate to them differently. Rather than trying to eliminate perfectionism, the work often involves building awareness, self-compassion, and the capacity to stay present with difficult emotions without disconnecting from yourself or others.

This kind of work can be especially supportive if you’re navigating life transitions, burnout, or long-standing feelings of shame.

An Open Door

If any part of this resonates, you don’t have to sit with it alone.

My work as a psychotherapist in Toronto often involves supporting people in working with perfectionism, shame, and relational patterns in ways that allow for meaningful and lasting change.

If you’re curious about therapy or would like to explore this work together, you’re welcome to reach out to book a consultation. You’re also welcome to share this piece with someone who might need to hear it.