The Longing Beneath Shame

Photo by Nicholas Laurenzio on Unsplash

Sometimes it’s the smallest moments that open a hidden door — a flutter in the chest, a hesitation in the voice, a tiny shift inside that you barely notice until it’s already there. That’s what happened to me earlier this month in Montreal. During those first day informal introductions, something old and tender stirred, revealing a quiet imprint I didn’t realize I was still carrying.

Throughout the first day of the workshop, I met several participants from Montreal one at a time. Each person was warm and open. And yet, every time we introduced ourselves, I felt a flutter in my chest. When it came to my turn, I found myself saying:

“I don’t want to tell you where I’m from because I’m afraid you will not like me.”

Half joking, half true.

And every time I finally said “Toronto,” I was met with nothing but warmth.

So why the fear?

Later that night, a memory surfaced, still vivid and intact after more than 30 years.

The Imprint of a Single Moment

Years ago, I was visiting Quebec City with my parents. We took a horse drawn carriage ride through the old town. The driver was warm and friendly until she asked where we were from. I said “Toronto,” proud and cheerful.

What I didn’t realize then was that this was shortly after a contentious referendum in Quebec about whether to stay in Canada or separate. Feelings about any English part of Canada, including Toronto, were still running high.

Her face changed instantly.

A look of disgust.

The conversation stopped.

And something in me shrank. I didn’t have the language then, but I know it now.

That was shame:
the feeling of rejection
the feeling of being written off
the feeling of being unlikable

Photo by Peter Herrmann on Unsplash

The Quiet Architecture of Shame

I didn’t realize how deeply that moment had settled into me, or how it shaped this very specific fear of saying where I’m from. Shame hides. It settles quietly. It shapes us in ways we don’t always see.

But the motivation underneath shame is innocent.
It is universal
It is human

The motivation of shame is the universal wish to be loved.
To belong
To be accepted
To be seen as enough

When we understand this, something softens. Shame becomes less of a personal flaw and more of a shared human longing.

An Invitation to Reflect

As you move through your days this month, can you imagine how you would show up differently if you remembered that every human being carries the same longing - the simple wish to be loved? You’re also gently invited to notice where longing to be loved is showing up in you, and in the people around you.

With Tenderness,

Wendy